Oh My Squidness!
by Sinister Spiders
Summary: This is the tragic tale of the Giant Squid that lives at the bottom of the lake at Hogwarts. Follow his last year of life and read about his heartaches and heartbreaks.
1. Squiddy the Squid

_Oh My Squidness!_

**PROLOGUE: **Squiddy the Squid

Squiddy, the Giant Squid belonging to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat at the bottom of the Great Lake sombrely. He brought one of his thick purple tentacles up to scratch his itchy, eel-bitten cranium.

"Oh!" Squiddy sighed dramatically "Woe is me!" He fell against the bed of the lake and begun to wallow in his self pity. About a year ago he had begun to question his fishy existence, and his position in life. There wasn't much out there for a Giant Squid to do. He couldn't become a medi-wizard like he wanted to be, because he couldn't hold a wand properly and had no talent for magic. He wasn't able to be a pilot either, something he had wanted to do ever since he took his first gulp of water, apparently, you needed twenty-twenty vision to be a pilot. He could have had twenty-twenty vision, but the rude people at the optometrist told him that they couldn't possibly make glasses in his size.

Truth be told, Squiddy had actually become rather depressed. He had begun to spend his days in the Gillyweed at the bottom of the lake, only emerging to catch glimpses of the students attractive toes that gave him an odd tingling sensation in his…. stomach region.

One morning, while flipping through an old copy of _Teen Witch_ that had somehow made it's way to the bottom of the lake, he had a brilliant idea.

"I know!" He gurgled, one tentacle raised in the classic thinkers pose "I need to get me some loving." He threw the magazine down and swam over to the seashells on the eastern side of the lake, at this time of morning they always reflected beautifully. Once he reached them he looked at himself. No wonder he hadn't been approached since… well, since he found his way into this cruel and heartless world. He looked around and spotted a small red fish swimming around happily, playing with a small stone on the floor of the lake. He raised one of his mighty tentacles and used it to squash the scaly little fiend. He picked it up and ran it over his lipless mouth, it's shiny red scales becoming an enticing whitebait flavoured lip-gloss. He looked around again and grabbed an oyster, prying it open. He wrenched the pearl out of it and squashed it between two tentacles, he rubbed the residue above his eyes and grinned at his reflection.

Who wouldn't want him when he looked so good?

It was on that day that Squiddy the Giant Squid who lived in the Great Lake at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry made a promise to himself. His New Year resolution suddenly recognised. He was going to find his soul mate.

_And so begins the perilous and tragic tale of Squiddy the Giant Squid at the bottom of the lake. In the following chapters you will find first-had accounts of all of the dates he ever went on, and their outcomes. _

_This chilling story accounts for the depression, and later, suicide of the Giant Squid. _

_Here is what the critics had to say about this anthology of tragic romance:_

"_It is alarming to read what the poor squid went through, first the racism, and then the depression. We can only hope that he will find redemption!"_

_- Mr. Cornelius Fudge (Ex Minister for Magic)_

"_This shows that there is a long way to go regarding the way that we treat Giant Squids. It is for this reason that I have formed S.Q.U.I.S.H, the Serious Query Unveiling Injudicious Squid Hostilities. Coincidentally the same noise Squiddy made as he threw himself in front of a angry mermaid hurling boulders."_

_- Hermione Granger (Ex-Student at Hogwarts)_

"_The saddest thing I have ever read since my report about Harry Potter crying over his parent's death every night, although, not nearly as well written."_

_- Rita Skeeter (Daily Prophet reporter working within the walls of Azkaban) _

So, to find out more about the woes of the gargantuan squid, read on. But, reader be warned, the story to follow is very distressing… Well, about as distressing as it can get considering it is about a giant lump of fishy smelling jelly that blobbed around in the murky waters of the lake doing nothing more than whining and complaining of a life that was more than appropriate for a gelatinous-blob-fish.


	2. Harry Potter

_Oh My Squidness!_

**CHAPTER TWO: **Harry Potter

Harry Potter picked up a stone from the pile beside him and threw it into the lake. It was late one afternoon, and apart from the stress of his everyday school life and quidditch captaincy, he had to find a way to deal with his feeling for Ginny Weasley. He looked around at the green fields of Hogwarts, the historic castle in the distance and the forest on the other side of the lake. He picked up a second stone and threw it into the water, disturbing the crystal blue surface.

Harry sighed and stood up slowly, brushing off his robes. He turned to leave when he heard a gurgling noise from behind him. He wheeled around and looked at the lake. It was as still as ever. He turned to leave again and heard the same gurgling noise.

"Who is there?" He called out, groping around in his pocket for his wand. He pulled it out and pointed it at the water. There was silence. "Who is there?" He repeated. Suddenly he saw hundreds of bubbles rise to the surface of the lake and saw something thrashing wildly under the surface. Throwing all caution and common sense to the proverbial wind (as the air was still that day) he threw off his shoes and cloak and dove into the lake.

The icy cold water stung his skin and burned his eyes when he opened them. He looked around and suppressed an underwater scream when he saw the big purple head of what could only be identified as the Giant Squid. He pointed his wand at the gargantuan water beast and begun to swim away. One of the squid's slimy tentacles curled itself around his body, nearly squashing the brains out of him. He looked into the squid's beady black eyes and prayed for his life.

"Well hello there you stunning hunk of man!" The squid gurgled. Harry's eyes widened in shock.

"H-How." He stuttered, the air escaping his mouth. Squiddy raised a tentacle to his mouth to silence him.

"Never mind that. My name is Squiddy, nice to meet you." Squiddy said, Harry looked at the squid again and had to stop himself from choking in shock. It looked as though the squid was wearing lipstick and eye shadow. "Do you think I am sexy?" He asked Harry seductively. Harry, who had run out of air, slowly begun to drift into an unconscious sleep.

Ten minutes later Harry woke up to find himself underwater and wearing nothing but a bright orange starfish. He looked around frantically for his wand and clothes, but couldn't find them.

"Where am I?" He asked, Squiddy came out from behind a rock and smiled at Harry, well, at least Harry thought he smiled. It was hard to tell with squids, because they didn't really have lips. It was a smile nonetheless.

"You are in my pleasure dome." Squiddy replied. Harry brought his hand up to rub his neck, shocked to feel gills. "Us squids aren't all jelly and no brains." Squiddy told him "I knew well enough to give you some gillyweed. We have an abundance of it here, under the lake, so you will never have to leave." Squiddy said. Harry looked around, alarmed. The squid wanted him to stay down there for longer? Wearing nothing but a starfish? _The Squid must be crazy_, Harry thought.

"Um… we didn't…" Harry begun awkwardly. The squid's beady eyes widened in abject horror and it brought a tentacle to it's mouth.

"Is that what you think of me?" He bubbled melodramatically. Harry shook his head quickly.

"NO! O-of course not… I just thought that… and well," He motioned to the starfish. The squid turned away indignantly.

"No, we didn't. I am not some cheap floozy you know! I have morals!" Squiddy sniffed. Harry bit his lip thoughfully.

"Well, what is it that you want, then?" Harry asked nerviously.

"I want you to love me! Is that so hard? I know that I might be a giant squid, but I can tell you that I am one hell of a tiger-fish in the bedroom. But… I don't fool around on the first date." Squiddy told him. Harry wiped his hair off his face. "Oh my goodness!" Squiddy bubbled in awe. "You are Harry Potter! The boy who lived!" Squiddy waved two tentacles in front of his face frantically, fanning away the giant-fish-blush plaguing his face. "Wow! Harry Potter has chosen me to be his husband!" Harry jumped up suddenly.

"Husband?" Harry cried, Squiddy nodded intently.

"Yes, husband." Squiddy said.

"But you are a squid!" Harry argued "I don't even know if you are male or female." Squiddy howled in anger.

"How could you not know! Of course I am male-" Squiddy begun, but Harry interrupted him.

"Then how will this relationship work out? I am male, you are male, don't you see a fundamental problem with that?" Harry asked, _not to mention that you are a squid_, Harry thought. Squiddy stopped for a moment and stroked his bobbly head pensively.

"No!" He replied matter-of-factly. Caressing Harry's check with a squishy purple appendage. He wrapped a spare tentacle around Harry, and spun him towards his mouth, puckering up his none existent fish lips. He planted a kiss square on Harry's lips that tasted oddly of whitebait. When he pulled away Harry wiped his mouth.

"Well…" Harry begun, blushing all the way down to his starfish. "I think this relationship may work out." He said, Squiddy clapped his tentacles excitedly, nearly shaking Harry to death. "But for now, my darling, I must return to school, I have a test to attend." Harry said, Squiddy wailed in despair.

"When will your return my love?" Squiddy asked desperately.

"As soon as the test is over!"

"Do you promise?"

"I promise!" Harry assured him, Squiddy let him down and moved aside some gillyweed to reveal Harry's clothes and wand. Harry pulled his clothes on quickly and grabbed his wand.

"I will take you to the surface." Squiddy said, clasping Harry in his tentacle softly and swimming to the top of the lake. When he swum Harry to the shore he let him go with a soft, sloppy and fishy kiss on the cheek. "Fare thee well, my love!" Squiddy gurgled as Harry flopped onto shore and climbed to his feet. Harry cast a quick drying spell on his clothes.

"Gullible squid!" Harry said shaking his head as he walked towards Hogwarts, with not even and inkling of the slightest thought of the merest possibility of returning.

* * *

A/N: So, there you have it. The first account in the diaries of Squiddy the Squid's heartbreaking tale.

Just in case you aren't aware, this story is written purely to honour the often mentioned and never seen character in the Harry Potter novels.

This story is not meant to be taken seriously, so please don't think it is. It was simply meant to present a different perspective of life at Hogwarts.

**Special thanks to:**

**puresilver: **If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have even come up with the idea of this story, and this world would be a completely happy and undisturbed place to live in. Thankyou for your un/intentional inspiration!

Lots of love,

Sinister Spiders


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